Barf Bands

OK, Kim Du Toit was talking about bands that make you want to plunge your head into a vat of boiling oil. He had five, and I think that I can throw a few onto that heap as well:

1. Supertramp–Any time anything of theirs comes on the radio, it induces intestinal cramps. “The Logical Song” is one of the worst songs ever. The singer makes you want to rip your own eyeballs out with a fork. “Dreamer” can cause spontaneous heart attacks in otherwise normal people, and can shatter windows at even moderate volumes. They should be considered a weapon of mass destruction.

2. Cinderella–The worst hair metal band of all time. The lead singer sounds like he’s gargling a crow. When they introduced the “power ballad” in the 80's, Cinderella laid out a major bag of crap with “Don’t Know What You Got ‘Till It’s Gone,” which has been known to produce spontaneous barfing in otherwise un-inebriated people, and probably caused Skylab to plunge out of orbit.

3. Ratt–Everything that goes for Cinderella goes double for Ratt. Stephen Pearcy, the lead singer, has a voice that can only be emulated by demons in hell.

4. Styx–Some may consider this sacrilege, and I do have a caveat with this one. Anything Dennis Deyoung sang is just godawful. I have to leave the room if “Lady” comes on the radio, or else I’ll try and find a rope to hang myself with. “Come Sail Away” leaves me howling on the floor in paroxysms of agony. “Babe” is just terrible. It’s banned by the Geneva Convention. However, “Renegade”, “Blue Collar Man”, “and “Fooling Yourself” are some of the greatest songs in the rock and roll genre. I’d also add that Tommy Shaw was brilliant in the Damn Yankees. The other songs mentioned nicely offset Shaw's genius. A so-called friend of mine called in the middle of their concert to play "Come Sail Away" at me. If he would have been in front of me, I'd have hit him. That is, if I could have gotten to my feet.

5. Madonna–Never has anyone gone so far with so little talent. “Like A Virgin” sounds like it was cooked up on a Casio keyboard that you could buy at Wal-Mart in the 80's. “Like a Prayer” is pretty much terrible. Her voice sounds much like fingernails on a chalk board. Her popularity is only explainable by the amount of controversy she generates. If you think about it, every album she put out had to be bolstered by some sort of shocking stunt. Whether it was marrying Dennis Rodman, divorcing Guy Ritchie, getting faux-crucified, getting naked, etc., she has to do something shocking to sell. That’s not an artist, that’s a publicity hound.