Cowboy Blob Again

Boy, I love winning his captioning contests. It's such fun making stuff up around the photo. I do wish I could do it professionally, though. Is there a field out there where I can make fun of things for a living?

I mean, other than the one I'm in?

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE..LUCAS IS A TARD

I had the chance to watch THE XFILES–I WANT TO BELIEVE the other night. When the music started up, it got the old familiar feeling. That little anticipation of a cool experience with characters that you know and love. I wanted to know what they’ve been up to the last few years. Where they were now, what they were doing, what their lives had progressed to, etc.

I won’t throw any spoilers out there. It was a good flick, all things considered. But it could have been just as good as a thriller badged under something other than the XFILES.

It was also like seeing Michael Jordan come out of retirement. We hated to see him go, but the return as something a bit less than the miraculous player of old was something that was somewhat less than satisfying. Even though intellectually you knew that it couldn’t be the same as it was, you wanted it to be. You wanted the miracle that beat the odds. You wanted the movie to just rock. It was good, but it didn’t just blow the roof off. So there’s the whole bittersweet thing going on.

What you received was good, but it wasn’t quite as shiny as it used to be. Did they take too many years off between the series and the movie? I’d have to say yes to that. Some of the core audience has gotten older now, and didn’t flock to the theaters to go see it because they couldn’t find a babysitter that weekend. Besides, THE DARK KNIGHT was still running, and if you only have the one shot at the babysitter, what are you going to do?

I’d have to say that it’s worth watching.

Along the same lines, I did watch INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL again.

I’d say that I had very similar feelings. It was great to see my #1 movie idol character back in action. I confess that I completely geeked out the first time the preview ran and I saw him dusting off the fedora. Awesome.

Ford aged well, and he played the character as well as he ever did. I’m still upset that he’s wussed out about not actually shooting a gun in his movies, but at least he carried one. There was good bullwhip fu, which I’m a sucker for.

The movie was well-directed, of course. How could it not be? Absent the stupid monkeys, but we’ll cover that later. Lucas didn’t have the chance to completely ruin it like he did the prequels for his other masterpiece. It moved well. The story was fun.

My spoiler critiques are as follows:

First, nothing Indiana Jones did in this movie made a darn bit of difference. IN allthe other movies, his involvement was critical to what happened. Finding the ark, stealing it away from the nazis, finding the Shankara stones, freeing the kids, finding the Holy Grail and surviving the traps, etc. In this movie, it wouldn’t have made a difference who took the stupid skull back.

Second, we find out he’s whelped a kid. And the kid’s a butthole. Shia Lebouf is pretty much of a punk in this movie. He has some moments, but he’s not fit to fear the fedora. Oh, by the way, the monkey scene was about the stupidest thing I’ve seen in cinema history, absent Wookies doing the Tarzan call. Yeah, I see Lucas’ cornball touch all over that scene. What a tard. Why Spielberg didn’t beat the crap out of him over that one is beyond me.

Third, Marion went and got old lady on us. Indy aged ok, but Marion was annoying. She wasn’t cool like she was when she slugged Harrison in the kisser. Yeah, she matured, but it wasn’t like how Indy matured. But it’s also 27 years later, mind you, so what can they really do in the real world?

Finally, the whole thing about Indy and the OSS was ultra-cool. I’d love to see another spin-off series based on that plot line. You’d need another Indy, but that’s ok. They did it successfully with THE YOUNG INDIANA JONES CHRONICLES. (If anybody wants to buy me all of those on DVD, I won’t stop you, honest.)

Ford could do another one, if he doesn’t break a hip or something in between now and then. If they do, they need to ground it a bit better. The commies made a good villain. He’s got a new sidekick that if allowed to mature, might actually work out well. At least it’s not some midget Chinese spewing pidgin English.

Happy Thanksgiving, Y'all...

To you and yours, Happy Thanksgiving. Take the time to spend it with your families; those whom you love and love you. That's my definition of family, and I have people in that category that I am not related to by blood, but are closer to me than any consanguinity could possibly make them. They're really all that you've got in this world, and there's nothing on this earth that you should be more thankful for.

Cowboy Blob Again

He was kind enough to judge me the winner in his photoshop captioning contest again this week. I just love his blog, and not just because I win over there. It's good entertainment.

It's also just pure fun to participate in this contest. I wonder if I can do this professionally anywhere??

Barf Bands

OK, Kim Du Toit was talking about bands that make you want to plunge your head into a vat of boiling oil. He had five, and I think that I can throw a few onto that heap as well:

1. Supertramp–Any time anything of theirs comes on the radio, it induces intestinal cramps. “The Logical Song” is one of the worst songs ever. The singer makes you want to rip your own eyeballs out with a fork. “Dreamer” can cause spontaneous heart attacks in otherwise normal people, and can shatter windows at even moderate volumes. They should be considered a weapon of mass destruction.

2. Cinderella–The worst hair metal band of all time. The lead singer sounds like he’s gargling a crow. When they introduced the “power ballad” in the 80's, Cinderella laid out a major bag of crap with “Don’t Know What You Got ‘Till It’s Gone,” which has been known to produce spontaneous barfing in otherwise un-inebriated people, and probably caused Skylab to plunge out of orbit.

3. Ratt–Everything that goes for Cinderella goes double for Ratt. Stephen Pearcy, the lead singer, has a voice that can only be emulated by demons in hell.

4. Styx–Some may consider this sacrilege, and I do have a caveat with this one. Anything Dennis Deyoung sang is just godawful. I have to leave the room if “Lady” comes on the radio, or else I’ll try and find a rope to hang myself with. “Come Sail Away” leaves me howling on the floor in paroxysms of agony. “Babe” is just terrible. It’s banned by the Geneva Convention. However, “Renegade”, “Blue Collar Man”, “and “Fooling Yourself” are some of the greatest songs in the rock and roll genre. I’d also add that Tommy Shaw was brilliant in the Damn Yankees. The other songs mentioned nicely offset Shaw's genius. A so-called friend of mine called in the middle of their concert to play "Come Sail Away" at me. If he would have been in front of me, I'd have hit him. That is, if I could have gotten to my feet.

5. Madonna–Never has anyone gone so far with so little talent. “Like A Virgin” sounds like it was cooked up on a Casio keyboard that you could buy at Wal-Mart in the 80's. “Like a Prayer” is pretty much terrible. Her voice sounds much like fingernails on a chalk board. Her popularity is only explainable by the amount of controversy she generates. If you think about it, every album she put out had to be bolstered by some sort of shocking stunt. Whether it was marrying Dennis Rodman, divorcing Guy Ritchie, getting faux-crucified, getting naked, etc., she has to do something shocking to sell. That’s not an artist, that’s a publicity hound.

Random Musings

Texas Tech got their collective rears handed to them on Saturday, by OU. That's somewhat disappointing. I was really afraid after they beat Texas this would happen. It's somewhat tradition: Tech beats a big team, but can't sustain the momentum for too long. They definitely didn't look like a Top 10 team. They looked like the ugly girl in the Miss America contest: not quite sure how they got there, pretty certain they didn't belong, and everyone else knew they were way out of place.

HELLBOY II is a decent movie. Not a bad follow-up to the first movie, and the visual effects were absolutely incredible. Very much an eye candy film.

I had a Sig 229 converted from DAO to its original DA/SA, and I love it. It was a somewhat disappointing gun as a DAO. The trigger was much too heavy for decent groupings. Now, it's quite nice. It's even smoother than other Sigs I have handled, and I have a feeling it's going to be carried quite a bit. Like starting tomorrow....

Is it not painfully obvious to everyone; even the liberals, that the media is WAAAAY liberal-biased? Is it not also readily apparent that the wacko branch of the Democratic party is out to destroy the conservative point of view in America? Is it not time for conservatives to fight like our way of life is at stake? Because it is.

WORLD WAR Z is a relentlessly entertaining novel, written by no one less than Mel Brooks' son. I'm absolutely digging this book.

I also finished the latest SPENSER novel, called ROUGH WEATHER. A great read, like every Spenser novel. The characters and dialogue are the best in detective fiction, bar none. It's good entertainment.

For you contemporary Christian listeners, if you can get your hands on Rob Attaway's SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL, it's good music all the way around. Check him out at this link. Not to brag, but I've had the pleasure of jamming with this guy. He has a great voice, plays the piano like a fiend, and he's an absolutely phenomenal guitarist. I'm honored to have played on the same stage with this guy, and I hope to do it again. Not to mention that the guy is super nice, funny, and all the way around cool. The only downside: he makes me realize how pathetic a guitarist that I am. Oh well.

For those who don't gravitate towards that type of music: Coheed and Cambria is quite an entertaining band. I've also discovered the genius of Iron Maiden, after catching one of their concerts on TV the other night. Wow. No, they're not Satanic, despite what their song titles might suggest. Listen to it, and make up your own mind.

Wow, Christian music mentioned on the same page as Iron Maiden. How often does that happen??? I need more eclectic dichotomies in my life....

New Link

Cowboy Blob was kind enough to judge me second place winner in his photo captioning contest. I read his site all the time, so I thought the least I could do was add him in. It's always good entertainment.

Check it out.

Noir

Flying over Dallas/Ft. Worth, I noticed the residential neighborhoods lit by their security and street lights, appearing almost as oases of light against the encroaching darkness. The lights appeared to be tiny, perfect circles of brightness and warmth, surrounded by the sinister blackness that pushed all the way to their borders. It was almost as if the light was the barrier keeping the darkness at bay. It appeared that if the light were to fail at any moment, the darkness would flow in, like barbarians breaching the gates of an ancient city. Once the protection of the wall had fallen, the inexorable force would swarm the city, destroying everything it touched. The walls of light appeared to be holding, each little security light a tiny barrier.

I can remember night lights as a child. The light pushed back the darkness, leaving a red-tinged warmth in its wake. But in every corner the light didn’t reach, I could feel an almost malevolent cold. Toys assumed nightmarish shapes in the shadow-light. Furniture that appeared harmless in the daylight took on sinister, jagged silhouettes in near darkness. The familiar, friendly world became something scary and cold. The sterile brilliance of a flashlight just illuminated the target area briefly. But when the clean light was switched off, the darkness returned, and the objects that I could only dimly perceived re-assumed their frightening identities. My family still remembers me avoiding the main living room at night, convinced the china hutch became a monster in the dark. And it did, at least to me.

I heard something on the radio today that described darkness as simply a shadow cast by something blocking the light. However, looking at the siege of darkness over the city, it didn’t seem there were any shadows cast. It was the complete absence of light that I was observing. Perhaps there isn’t a technical difference in describing the darkness. Maybe all darkness is simply a shadow cast. But it didn't seem that way to me. It wasn't blocked light that caused the creeping blackness. There was no light to be found.

There is a difference in the darkness that I perceive, and perhaps in the darkness that you perceive as well.

Holy Pilgrimage to Mecca....err, Tulsa

If some pinko-commie Democrat would have set off a bomb at the Tulsa Fairgrounds Exhibition Hall this past weekend, they would have probably killed at least 40% of the conservative movement in the South in one fell swoop. You laugh, but I had visions of Janet Reno busting through a wall in an APC, torching everything she could see.

My dad and I made the holy pilgrimage to Tulsa, Oklahoma this last weekend, to witness the awesome spectacle of the Wannamaker Gun Show, which purports to be the largest gun show in the world.

I’m a believer. That thing was awesome.

In the past, the largest gun show that I’ve attended was the Dallas Market Hall show, which is held about once a quarter. It’s big. Wannamaker is 11 ACRES worth of gun goodness. It’s phenomenal.

Plus, it does not have the petty little knick-knack crap that fills up some gun shows. This was purely guns and gun-related stuff.

Rightly fearing a Communist President, gun buyers were grabbing AR’s by the truckload. Along with that, all sorts of AR add-ons were being sold. Also upper receivers, lower receivers, etc. Plenty of AK-47's, SKS’s, FN-FAL’s HK-90's, and other evil black rifle goodies were going like hotcakes.

It was a fun trip, to say the least. Tulsa is one of the most beautiful cities I’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting. It’s very forest-y, and has lots of neat old homes. There’s a river running right through the city. It reminds me a bit of St. Louis and Portland rolled into one. Except there was a fairly low number of whacko liberals. This is still the South, after all. Even if Oklahoma wasn’t a state on the right side in the War of Northern Aggression. We’ll forgive them. They weren’t even a state at that point.

It was good to be out with my Dad. We haven’t spent any time together since my Mom passed away, a fact that tears both of us apart. The ordeal of my Mom’s illness has torn him up, physically and emotionally. He’s lost weight. His Parkinson’s is much worse. His breathing is awful, and he smokes more now than ever, despite the fact that lung cancer is what took his wife and my mother away from us. While I want to enjoy the time with him, it’s somewhat bittersweet, with the knowledge that his health declines each passing day, all because he cannot quit a habit that will kill him. What’s worse, he denies that smoking causes any problems, and gets angry when I ask him not to smoke around me, or in my car.

I guess God equips all of us with our own personal Achilles’ Heel that will cause our undoing. Lord knows I could stand to drop the Dr. Peppers.

It was still good to see him, and spend time with him doing something that we both love. It used to be that golf brought us together, and allowed us to spend time with one another. I’m thankful for the opportunities that I had to spend so much time with him on those occasions.

Aw, Crap.

Well, this election comes as no surprise to anyone with more brains than a turnip. I voted for McCain to try and keep Obama out. I didn't actually like the guy. I just had to choose the lesser of two evils. We're going to see at least the attempt to institute socialism on a scale unimaginable to our Founding Fathers. I can tell you honestly that I was not going to vote for him until he nominated Sarah Palin. Truthfully, I was hoping McCain would win it and then die, leaving a real conservative at the helm. Okay, that's harsh, but I'm just saying what most of us were probably thinking, even if the rest of us weren't prepared to say it out loud.

Ann Coulter says pretty much what I'm thinking.

Here's the message that I want Republicans to hear, loud and clear: If you're conservative, God-fearing right-wingers, this is your party. Stay here. Be what you are, be proud of what you are, and don't compromise for an instant on what you know in your heart is right. If you're John McCain or his ilk, go somewhere else.

I think McCain lost because he had no enthusiastic base support from the beginning. Conservatives didn't like him, and like it or not, that's the base of the Republican party. That's as it should be.

Diversity in a political party is a load of crap. If we don't have common ideals, goals, and basic ethical and moral harmony, we aren't a party. I don't like to hang out with people who don't share at least the core principles that I believe in. We can differ on some issues, sure. But if we aren't basically alike, we aren't going to be friends. And we sure don't have the unity of purpose that it takes to win elections and foster our beliefs in the world.

We need a conservative party in America. One that is not afraid of what it is, and is in fact proud of it. Here's a good checklist to see if you're conservative or not. More than one point qualifies you as a conservative.

The checklist is as follows. If you: Think the Second Amendment is good, one point. Think socialism is a bad idea, one point. Think abortion is murder, one point. Think high taxes are a bad idea, one point. Think the Constitution is a binding document that spells out black and white what the government cannot do, one point. Think our form of government should be based on the Judeo-Christian ethic and what God ordained, one point. Think even if you don't buy completely all of the stuff this checklist has on it, but believe you should have the right to live free with your beliefs and everybody else should be allowed to do the same under the great structure the Constitution provided: two points.

Pretty easy, isn't it? So if the Republicans aren't going to be conservative, that's fine. We'll go elsewhere. But to dilute conservative principles and ideals just to get elected is madness. I think this election proves it.

The Ballot of Josey Wales

Clever alliteration, no? You get it: fighting against impossible odds for a lost cause, with only our guns and wits to overcome what appears to be an inevitability. All we lack is a crazy old Indian.....I digress. I was too caught up in my cool title.

I haven't written much. Life has kept me a bit too busy. I also have no internet at home, so I steal time whenever I can. However, I thought that I needed to weigh in on the election.

When I started this blog, it was originally for political stuff. It's turned into my own cathartic ramblings, and I don't think anybody really wants to read that crap anymore. I don't like writing it, honestly. It just helped to get it off my chest. I'm done whining.

Nevertheless, I've been remiss in the original purpose of this blog. Here we are, on the eve of one of the most important elections in our history, and the future looks a bit grim. I haven't done my part to get the conservative side of the story out, and for that I'm sorry. For those of you who haven't voted yet, and are undecided, I'll tell you what my key issues are, and why I voted the way I did. And perhaps that will help. I doubt it, but it's worth a shot.

I voted McCain/Palin. That's out of the way. Here's why:

1. I believe a large government is tyranny de facto, if not de jure. Government does not produce anything on it's own. It is not self-sustaining. It creates no product. It exists only off of what it takes from its subjects. In other words, what it takes from a person in taxes. The bigger it gets, the more taxes it must have to sustain itself. Thus, the less of their hard-earned money its subjects get to keep.

When a government takes money from one group and gives it to another, it is socialism at its best, and communism at its worst. Neither can exist in a society without completely trampling individual freedom.

Obama has said that he wants to spread the wealth around. He wants to bankrupt an American industry. He doesn't think the civil rights movement went far enough in terms of wealth redistribution. That's a communist, folks. His proposed ideas about tax reform will force America into a recession, and hit the middle class harder than ever. In other words, taxes will be raised, the government will expand, and we'll all suffer that much more.

2. If a society does not have the right and the ability to defend itself by owning firearms, then the government can do anything that it wants to its subjects. Weapons in the hands of private citizens simply empowers them, and keeps the government honest. Obama and all the Democrats are against this. Illinois is one of the worst states for so-called gun control. We know what he's about on that issue, his

3. Obama has voted consistently to extend so-called "abortion rights" to include partial-birth abortions, amongst other things. When a person is in favor of killing the unborn, I'm against him. A just, noble society should never condone the slaughter of innocents, no matter what it's disguised as.

4. Obama is weak on national defense. We haven't been hit by terrorists since 9-11-01. There's a reason for that. He's also been wrong about the surge in Iraq, and pretty much everything else regarding our military.

5. I firmly believe Obama is a racist. He sat in the church of Jeremiah Wright for 20 years, and didn't believe in what the man was saying? Wright is a white-hating, America-hating rabble rouser of the first order. Plus, if Obama was part of his congregation, he's not a Christian, no matter what either of them would like to say or think.

6. Obama's political career was launched in the home of William Ayers, one of the most notorious domestic terrorists from the Vietnam era. Once again, people don't associate with folks with whom they have nothing in common. At least, not normal people.

That's all I needed to vote for McCain. Don't get me wrong: I'm not the guy's biggest fan. However, he deserves my respect, and my vote, simply because of his service and captivity during Vietnam. That's my idea of a leader.

I might be the biggest Sarah Palin fan ever, though. She's what we conservatives have been praying for. I have hopes she'll take over if McCain has to step down for some reason. I think she's married, though, and I don't have a chance with her....oh well. She's still my political soulmate....:)

That's my reasons for voting the way I did. If you are undecided, ask yourself where you stand on abortion, on the Second Amendment, on taxes, on the war on terror, and on socialism/communism versus capitalism. Whatever you come up with there should pretty much settle your indecisiveness.

And you protest voters who are going to vote libertarian because you couldn't stand either? If Obama wins, this is going to be partially your fault.

The only thing in the middle of the road are yellow stripes and road kill.

Tragedy

I know that it seems that I've all done lately is post links to others stuff. Well, that's exactly what I've done, now that you mention it.

This piece is far too powerful not to link for you.

How anyone could deliberately harm a baby is beyond me. It brings tears to my eyes even thinking about it. I think about my son, and the overwhelming, indescribable love that I have for him. How could somebody abuse that perfect, innocent trust that he has in this world? How? Why?

My child is the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me. He's truly a gift from God. My life would be so much poorer without him. He's taught me so much about my life. He's a reason for me to be a better man. He's everything that is good and right in this world. He's happiness and innocence, and a reminder of the time when the world was new, exciting, and wonderful. How can any parent not think that about their children?

This is absolute, pure evil.

Chuck Norris Says So, That's Why

Who knew the guy could write as well as kill thousands of communists with his feet?

My kind of Hollywood actor.

Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition

Xavier posts this piece about Obama;s gun control record. Well researched, and it pretty much says it all.

One thing in there really troubled me. If you'll notice, Obama said something to the effect of (and I'm paraphrasing here), "I don't care if it is a fundamental right, the federal government still has the authority to take it away from you."

That ought to bother all of us, gun owners or not. He apparently doesn't understand "fundamental right." That's something that no lawful government is supposed to be able to touch.

There is no clearer indication of what this candidate is about, and what the Democrats want for all of us.

By the way, I noticed that I have posted 301 times on this blog. Geez.

"And Then One Day You'll Find, Ten Years Have Got Behind You..."

Being around that age myself, this entry really struck home with me.

I think that I have gotten a bit better with age. I darn sure know the mistakes not to make again. I'm wiser, much sadder, but hopeful about the future.

Can this lady write some inspiring prose, or what?

I KNEW IT!!!!

Eating veggies shrinks the brain.

Explains a lot amongst the tree-hugging, unwashed, bunny-cuddling liberal vegetarian wackos, doesn't it?

I'm off for a hamburger. Double-meat, now that I think about it....

Life and Hope, Part Deux

Is it just me, or was McCain’s story pretty much inspiring?

Don’t get me wrong: I was just about the most anti-McCain guy you could have ever found. I hate his border stance, I hate McCain-Feingold with a passion, I hate his capitulation to the Dems, etc. I wish Sarah was running as the headliner instead of the warm-up act. But I’ll pull the lever for McCain now, just to put her closer to the White House. But there’s a lot to like about McCain on his own. I don’t want to like him, really I don’t.

But darn it, his life’s story is awe-inspiring. And darn it, you have to respect the guy for doing what he thinks is best, even if it draws the ire and wrath of not only his political enemies, but those who are his political friends. That’s courage. They guy has that in spades, one has to admit. It goes without saying that Obama looks like the poser he is when you stack him up to McCain. As I’ve noted: when Obama had to defend his experience against the second banana, I knew he was screwed.

Think about a person locked inside a North Vietnamese prison for five years. Think about a guy who rejected early release, even though he could have cashed in on his father’s admiralty. Broken arms. Dysentery. Beatings. Pretty much the worst a person could endure, it seems. Tell me Job’s got anything on McCain.

This went on for five years. That absolutely floors me. Tell me Job’s got anything on McCain.

How many times during that five years did he hit the bottom of the pit of despair? How many times did he wonder whether or not God had abandoned him?

He pulled through, by not giving up, by not losing faith. By not giving in.

Look where he is today. Wealthy. Beautiful wife, great kids. A respected, if not beloved national leader. And probably our next President, God willing.

It looks to me like God rewarded him for keeping the faith.

I’d have to say that my life is not exactly ideal, at the moment. But good grief. In comparison, I’ve got not a single problem in the world. I’m not in the Hanoi Hilton. McCain’s story is pretty much a b@$ch slap on the face of my petty problems.

I suppose the lesson here is to keep the faith. No matter how bad the situation seems, where there is life, there is hope. If he can endure being a POW, what can life throw at me that I can’t handle? If he can trust in God enough to get him through all of that, why can’t I?

I’d say that I owe the guy a shot at the top job. God got him this far for a reason.

Life and Hope, Part I

Read this, if you have a chance.

Wow.

Where there's a life, there is hope. There's a chance for a bright future, for a great person to come into the world and share their potential.

We can deal with those lives that don't live up to their potential.

We cannot afford to deal with the destruction of a life before its potential has ever been realized.

Red Card His Green Card and Send Him Home

If I see another picture of David Beckham scowling, and hocking some product that he obviously doesn't use or know anything about (Sharpie Markers??? Give me a break. I'm SURE he uses those all the time), I'm going to go postal and start shooting soccer balls. Maybe some that are still attached to soccer players.

Just kidding, but good grief.

Why the scowl? He's making beaucoup off of a sport that most Americans think comes in a distant tenth behind curling in popularity, he's banging the only hot Spice Girl there was, and he's an international jet-setter. I'd think if anybody out there ought to smile, it would be him.

Go, Sarah!

See the speech?? Wonderful. I think McCain really helped himself with this lady. He's convinced me to pull the lever for him.

Can she handle the presidency? I'd have to say yes, based on her record, and what we saw last night.

Have you noticed that the Demoncrats are attacking her experience? That's a pretty stupid move. She's a VP candidate, and she's got more executive experience than the Demoncrat PRESIDENTIAL candidate. I love it. When the head guy can't successfully defend his record against the second fiddle, they're screwed.

I have hope now. Thank you, Governor Palin.

Weaponology--The Sig 225/P6

What an awesome little pistol this thing is. It's like a tiny shrunken Sig 220, chambered for 9mm, and holding 8 rounds in the mag. Sig replaced it, sort of, with the 239. The 239 is much more top-heavy, about 1/2 inch shorter, and has a thinner grip frame.

What that amounts to me is a gun that I just didn't like very much. And I like Sigs. The 225 has been out of production for awhile. That's a shame, because all the knowledgable gun folks thought the 225 was the best pistol Sig ever made. It was one of my holy grails of pistols. I'd sort of given up on finding one.

Enter the surplus market for Sig 225's. The German police dumped all their surplus and retired 225's on the US. This is a good thing, because one can score themselves a P6 (German version of the 225) for $300 or under. They vary in condition, from new in the box to 70% condition (as the Blue Book grades such things). This is a good thing as well. It's about half the cost of a 239, and they have equal magazine capacity.

If one isn't scared of a little blueing being rubbed off, these guns are quite a bargain. I'm not. The pistols I've come across that are worn on the outside usually are perfect on the inside. Police and civilians don't usually shoot a gun enough to caue significant wearing, especially on a durable duty pistol like a Sig. Even the severely holster-worn ones that I've seen haven't been shot much, from what I could tell. The barrels appear in good shape, the recoil springs seem solid, and the internals are fine. The triggers seem to work well, though the double action is a bit heavy. The single action is wonderful. While I appreciate beautiful pistols, I also appreciate ugly ones that work well.

The 239 probably has it beat in terms of a smooth double-action, but that's the only place where it does. The 225 just feels right in my hands, better than the 239 ever did. The 225 points better, feels better, and just flat-out makes a better pistol for me. Spare magazine location has been an adventure, but I have two spares, so I'm not really all that short-supplied.

I'd imagine this gun is going to be my main winter carry piece. It's about as thin as a good 1911, about the same dimensions as a 239, and; as noted, just seems to point better for me.

Cheap Sig Sauers. What a deal.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

I shot the little beast this weekend. Not half bad. I put the rounds where they were supposed to go, and I'm not disappointed in the least. However, the Sig 239 recoils much less. That makes perfect sense, since the 225 is much lighter. It's not uncontrollable by any means, it's just a little flippy with hot ammunition. I had two failures to feed. They're explained by either weak mag springs, or me hitting the slide stop up while shooting. I'm leaning towards the latter. The slide stop sits pretty close to my thumb.

A good DA/SA trigger is hard to beat. I can handle it much better than the Glocks, to say the least.

My suspicions were correct. This is going to be a great little carry piece for the wintertime.

On the other hand, I also shot the Sig 229 in 9mm. I can honestly say it's the best-shooting 9mm that I've ever messed with. Nothing better, so far. It's a bit heavier than the 225, but you get so much more control with it. There's nothing like shooting water jugs, and being able to deliberately bounce them in the air with your rounds. I can do that with this pistol.

Just to reassure myself that I do shoot Sigs better than Glocks, I also ran a few rounds through a Glock 17. No comparison. The Sig works much better for me.

It makes me want to trade off every Glock I own.

There's Hope for McCain, After All

Sarah Palin's the VP pick? Not 100% confirmed yet, but looking good. The Governor of Alaska, no less.

That was a brillant pick in my opinion. She's smart, pretty, tenacious, forthright, mother of a special needs child, and a hell of a campaigner. Plus, she's actually CONSERVATIVE. Hot damn. She's stood up against her own party quite a few times. She doesn't capitulate to the Left.

Traditionally, there's not much that a VP candidate does to boost the ticket. I think history will show this one helped.

I'll actually vote for McCain, now. I think there's a lot of us actual conservatives who feel the same.

Awesome. There's a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. It will be hard for McCain to salvage conservatives after adding the stupid Global Warming plank, but this helped.

Don't think about Geraldine Ferraro, don't think about Geraldine Ferraro.....

I'm Starting to Sound Like a Damned 9 Inch Nails Song...

Grieving sucks. There’s just no other way to put it. You think you’re over the worst of it. You think the pain is starting to fade. In reality, it’s like a bad tooth. It doesn’t hurt until you poke it a bit.

And you do poke it. You’re cognizant of how bad it hurts when you reach for the telephone to call the person that’s gone, and realize halfway through dialing what you’re doing. You realize it when you see something on the news, and think to yourself, “Gee, I wonder what Mom’s going to have to say about that.” Then you realize you’ll not ever talk to her about the news again.

Colors don’t seem as bright. Food doesn’t really taste good. Nothing seems fun. When that person crosses your mind, you feel a gut-wrenching sadness.

You think about all the things you should have said, should have done, and you feel guilty as hell for not having done them. You regret every harsh word that you ever had with the person. You’d give anything to take all of that back.

But you can’t. And you won’t. Ever.

It’s even worse when you really have no sympathetic ear to turn to. Nobody other than this blog to air out how you really feel.

This is what I get by way of sympathy, from the person who’s supposed to be closer than anyone else in the world to me:

“I really thought you’d get over this quicker, since you’re up here and away from everything that might remind you of her.”

Thanks a whole hell of a lot. Boy, I feel better now. I lost my mother, moron. It’s not like the dog just got run over or something.

It’s amazing. But I think you can actually get a little clarity about things in the midst of a tragedy. If that’s what I can expect as far as warm family support, I’m better off on my own.

This sucks. How much exactly am I supposed to endure, here? Come on, God. Cut me a little slack here, please.

Who Were They, Exactly?

Hospice told us over and over that people who are dying see people who aren't there for the rest of us. They see and talk to people who have passed on long before. This is quite common.

Is it something in the mind that is just a symptom of the disease and of the mind shutting down? Or is it something else entirely? Why is it so common?

I saw this happen for myself. My mom asked me who all those people standing behind me were. There wasn't anyone else in the room. She proceeded to have a conversation with them. She greeted them warmly, like old friends or missed loved ones, and had a good discussion with them about something. She spoke clearly, and was clearly responding to somebody.

She had been incoherent for a good day, at this point. She couldn't converse with us before this, and didn't converse with us afterwards.

Hospice told us the angels were there. They give comfort to the dying, and let them know that it's OK to let go. Now, Hospice folks know something about this sort of thing. They are people who take care of the dying. This is their profession. They deal with this almost every day. They say that it happens almost 100% of the time.

What do we make of this? I don't have any answers.

I do know that my Mom passed away at 10:30pm. On the dot. That's when she took her last breath. I know that because I was standing there, holding her hand.

Almost 200 miles away, my niece's husband had the strong feeling that somebody had just entered their home. Being a police officer, he was a bit alarmed. He armed himself, and went to investigate quietly. Nobody there. My niece awoke, and started crying. She said she couldn't say why, exacatly. She says she looked at the clock when she awoke. It was exactly 10:30. Her husband confirmed this.

We didn't report Mom's passing to my niece and her husband until the next morning, around 8:00a.m.

One can take away from that what one will.

I do know that I stood outside that night, quite late. The suburban carrying Mom had long since left the house. Everyone had gone home that needed to go, and everyone else in the house stayed asleep. The night was still, and quiet. The stars were out, and the moon hung low in the nortwest sky. I could hear a couple of young coyotes yelping somewhere on the property. That far out, you don't have any light pollution from the cities. You can't hear any traffic, unless a lone car moves down the dirt road over 1/4 of a mile away. You're as isolated as one can possibly be in the modern era. Oddly, I didn't feel alone.

A Eulogy

Editor's Note:

I went back and fixed this to close to what was actually said. I left some parts in it here that I skipped in the eulogy, simply because everyone there could read her particulars, and the blogosphere doesn't have that luxury. Not that anyone actually cares, but this is my little memorial to her.

"It is truly only at a time like this where we realize how little time we really have on this Earth. Mom would want me to tell all of us here today that we should not let a day go by that we do not tell those whom we love how important they are to us. Our time is too short, and it would have been even if Mom had lived another 50 years.

"It is impossible to encapsulate someone’s life into a short eulogy. This will not even begin to give the audience an idea of her likes and dislikes, her complicated nature, or; most especially, the effect she had on the lives of everyone here today. Carolyn Cooper Miller was born on June 19th, 1937, to Russell and Myrtie Cooper. She is predeceased by her mother and father, as well as her brother James Russell Cooper, and her great-grandchildren Bella and Abbey Lester. She is survived by her husband, Keith Allen Miller, and her sister Jane McDaniel. She is further survived by her daughters Christi Leonhardt and her husband Kenneth, Kelly Lester and her husband Ricky, and her son Kyle Allen Miller and his wife Myrlah. She is also survived by her grandchildren Derrick Russell Lester and his wife Janelle, Kenna Leonhardt, Katie Garcia and her husband Gabe, Jacey Lester, Loni Lester, and Connor Allen Miller. Last but not least, she is survived by her great-grandchild Gabriel Draiden Garcia.

"Mom passed away at home, in the time and place of her own choosing, surrounded by her husband and children. This is exactly the way she chose to live her life.

"This does nothing to tell the audience what sort of person she was. We could and will tell you about her railing against the Catholic Church, Bill Clinton and the Democratic Party. We could tell you about walking into the house and hearing her giving Congress a good tongue-lashing as she watched them on C-Span, Fox News, or CNN. You can take it from all of us that her tongue was sharp and acidic. Could she have but actually gotten a few of those politicians in her presence, that sharp tongue could have taken care of a lot of our country’s current problems before they ever got started. I promise that none of us will ever flip on a news channel without a smile. And we’re going to miss it. Our wife, our mother, our grandmother, our great-grandmother, our friend, is gone from us. We will not have the benefit of her guidance, her wisdom, her arms around us, and most especially, her unconditional love. We’re going to miss that.

"I know that is pure selfishness on our part. We cannot for a moment have wished the suffering that Mom went through on her, even for moment. As much as we still want her and need her, we know that she is free of the awful struggle and pain that she was in the last year of her life. And I cannot for a minute begrudge her the joy she must have felt at begin reunited with Mimi and Granddaddy, Mildred, Jimmy, Hermann, and Marcus.

"I hope that everyone here has someone in their life that is 100% in their corner the way Mom was for all of us. There was no more staunch advocate, more fierce defender, or at times, harshest critic.

"There’s no question in my mind that my mother would have gladly laid her life down for her husband, children or grandchildren, without question or hesitation. That is unconditional love. Through a mother or a wife’s sacrifice and love, we get perhaps a small glimpse of the love that God has for all of us.

"Anyone who knew her knew how much Mom’s family meant to her. If we can get an idea of what her life stood for in just a few words, and if we can take something away from her life, it would be through an understanding of the importance to her of her family and of God. My mother’s life stood for the importance of family, and of a relationship with God. It was what she devoted herself to, and put all of her resources and efforts into. And all of us here today are her legacy.

"We see in our society today the effects of broken families, and the consequences of removing God from our day-to-day lives. We have prisons full of people without a supporting family, and without a relationship to God. Mom regarded family as the direct expression of God’s will on Earth. Family is the unifying force.

"Mom taught us that a family sticks together, no matter how hard it was, no matter how unhappy we might be with each other, A family sticks together, through whatever evils the world throws at them. They stick together emotionally, financially, spiritually, and physically. No matter what, those of us in this family knew, and continue to know, that we can always count on the support of our family. This gives us the strength to venture out and try to make our way in the world. We knew the consequences of failure could never be that terrible, because we always had a home to come back to.

"With the unconditional love comes unconditional forgiveness. Mom taught to us the value of forgiveness, because truly no family can be whole without it. There are times where I’ve been mad enough at my family to disown them. In the heat of the moment, we can end up doing just that. But is the heat of the moment enough to cost the entire relationship? Absolutely not. The Bible teaches us not to let the sun set on our anger, and this is but one reason why. Anything that poisons or destroys a family’s relationship flies in the face of what God wants for us. She’d want me to tell those of you out there to let go of those resentments and anger, before it is too late.

"Mom believed that most of our problems in the world today emerged from a de-emphasis of family and God in a person’s life. She believed it was a mistake to allow anything else to occupy the spaces that God and family should occupy. I think the family relationship is truly what God meant for us to be. I know that every person that I dated, every friend that came over for Sunday dinner, loved what we had as a family. Few of them had it, and all of them wanted what we have as a family. That is proof enough for me this family is the way God meant for families to be. Mom would also want me to tell all of you that if you’re not having a weekly dinner with those who mean the most in this world to you, you’re missing out. Start. You’ll be extremely thankful that you did.

"Do not think for a moment that family means only a blood relationship. It also includes those friends who are family as well. You're all here today because you're a part of Mom's family as well. Thank you."

This is a little closer to what I actually ended up saying, I think. It's still kind of a blur. To say that was the toughest public speaking gig I've ever had is quite an understatement.

Godspeed, mom.

Nobody's Perfect All Of The Time (We Are What We Are)

That's the title of a Mike and the Mechanics song, off their second album. For you 80's music fans, it's the same album that has THE LIVING YEARS on it, which was their big hit off that album. It might have been their last hit, now that I think about it. That was the lead single, but it didn't make much of a splash. The next single was THE LIVING YEARS, which I'll post those lyrics on here sometime, now that I think about them. A great song.

I’d had some thoughts last week about allowing outside things to define us. It’s pretty easy to allow other people to slap their perceptions on us. It’s a bit tough to avoid taking on the shapes that others want us to wear.

An outsider’s attempt to define us and make us fit that description can be very, very bad. For instance; if you have two people in a relationship, and the other is insecure about something (or a lot of somethings), the insecure one is likely to try and define their partner in terms that make the insecure partner feel better about themselves. In other words, they mercilessly attack the other, running them down, calling them stupid, telling them they’re no good at their job, they’re a lousy father, etc. This is just an example with no basis in reality, of course.

As noted, it’s easy to allow this to define us. It’s especially easy to become vulnerable when the target loves the other person, and craves their respect, their admiration, and their attention. How damaging is it when the one person in the world that one wants love and admiration from suddenly starts cutting them down? It’s absolutely devastating coming from parents or spouses.

When your mother tells you that you’re a lousy son, you start to believe it. When your wife tells you that you’re no good at the career that you’ve chosen or a lousy father, it hits home. You believe it. These people are the closest people in the world to you. You’d not do ANYTHING to deliberately hurt them, so they have to be doing what they’re doing out of the same motivation, right? They’d not try to run you down unless it were true, right?

Wrong. People can be absolutely evil. Even those who should be the closest to you. I guess that's why it hurts so much. You can't be hurt unless your first love. You can't be betrayed unless you first trust.

The real problem here is relying on flawed, damaged, and sinful people. There’s an old maxim that people will always let you down, in some form or fashion, and that’s absolutely true. Whether your friend runs habitually late, fails to return a borrowed tool, etc. People are going to let you down in some form or fashion. It’s just the way things are.

So to allow a flawed human being to define us is pretty darn foolish. When their motivation is simply to run you down to make themselves feel better, it’s actually quite stupid to allow them to get away with their cruelty. It only works if we believe it.

The only way to avoid it, I firmly believe, is to have an internal definition of who and what we are. Only by knowing ourselves are we strong enough to resist what others want to define us as.

The thing I came to realize the other night is that God doesn’t make trash. He’s got some sort of use for every one of us, and has given each of us gifts and talents specific to us, and specific for his purpose. So I’m not Mr. Fix-it around the house. I’ve got a few other things going for me. So I’m absent-minded in some areas. Find me somebody who isn’t. These things don’t make me a bad father, a bad human being, or anything like that. They’re just me. They’re who I am. I probably won’t be able to teach my son to build a kitchen table. I will be able to tell him about the invasion of Normandy in 1944. I’ll be able to tell him stories about General Patton, Miyamoto Mushsashi, or Alexander the Great. I’ll be able to walk him a bit through the history of the Middle East. I’ll be able to show him how to field-strip a 1911 blindfolded. I’ll be able to help him with his homework.

All this follows God’s purpose. I am as I was meant to be.

That’s not to say I don’t have a whole host of problems that need to be fixed. I’ve got things that need working on. But putting me down about them isn’t going to help. What I’ve got to do is allow God to fix those areas that he wants fixed, and use the things that don’t need fixed to his purpose. And I’ve got to allow the same thing to happen for others. They are as God meant them to be, and that’s perfectly ok. I can’t condemn them for it, I can’t fix them because they aren’t really broken. They fit into the grand scheme of things just as I do.

So the thing is, we can’t allow failed, flawed humans to define us. We have to allow God to define us. As noted, he’s perfect. He doesn’t make mistakes. So if we are as we are, it’s purposeful. I’m taking a bit of joy in that realization. It’s boosting my confidence a bit. I KNOW that I’ve got things to offer this world, to a spouse, to my family, my career, and most importantly, to my son. They're good things, too. As was intended.

An Exemplar

This was given to me on Father's Day. The author is unknown, but it got to me like you wouldn't believe. It was printed on a silk handkerchief, with my little boy's footprints on them.

"Walk a little slower, Daddy,
Said a little child so small
I'm following in your footsteps,
and I don't want to fall.

"Sometimes they're very fast,
Sometimes they're hard to see
So walk a little slower Daddy,
For you are leading me.

"Someday when I'm all grown up,
You're what I want to be,
Then I will have a little child
Who'll want to follow me.

"And I would want to lead just right,
And know that I was true,
So walk a little slower, Daddy,
For I want to follow you."

How could somebody bring a child into this world, and not want to be a better person?

I caught my son imitating me the other day. I was sitting with my chin in my hand, ruminating on something. I look over to see my little boy studying me intently. He was sitting just like I was, with his chin in his hands. When he saw me, he just grinned from ear to ear.

Wow.

For him, I want to be a better person. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to keep imitating me, to find things about me that are worth imitating. I want to set an example that he can then pass on.

What an incredible responsibility we take on when we bring a child into this world. How this is taken so lightly by so many of us out there is beyond me. People shoot out kids like they're getting candy out of a vending machine. The kids are seen as an afterthought, kind of like the wrapper off the candy.

We had a guy escape from one of the courtrooms the other day. His girlfriend was having a baby on the same day that he was about to be sentenced to 20 years for aggravated robbery. He breaks out, then spends the next few days in a hotel with his girlfriend. Her mom brought them food during this ordeal.

Great. They get caught, of course. Now Dad's going away for a minimum of ten years before he's eligible for parole. He'll have an escape charge on top of that, which will not begin to run until his time is discharged for the first offense. Mom is going to be lit up for harboring a fugitive, as is grandmother.

And a baby born three months premature now has no father, and might lose its mother and grandmother as well. Bodes well for its future, doesn't it?

Not to mention that this all sounds like a bad movie of the week off the LIFETIME or OXYGEN channels (Or the Emasculation Network, as I like to refer to them).

I guess if you can't be a shining example to others, be a grim warning.

Tear Down the Walls

Sometimes the walls have to be torn down, so that something new and better can be built back up again. It’s not an easy process. It’s certainly painful. But pain, I think, should be a sign of weakness leaving the body. I was listening to the story of Marcus Luttrell, a Navy SEAL that survived some pretty horrible stuff over in Afghanistan. After hearing about his training, I can see why he survived. There wasn’t much that the Taliban could throw at him that was any worse than what his training was. Read LONE SURVIVOR, and tell me if these guys aren’t about the toughest human beings on the face of the Earth.

Anyway, I realized that I can either let this pain and agony bear me under, or I can tough through it. It can break me, or I can come out the other side better than what I was going in. That’s what I want to happen. I’m not going to be broken.

When the core of what you are has been attacked, you find yourself awash in a sea of doubt, and that’s where the Enemy’s got you right where he wants you. You’re weak, you’re struggling, and you feel like you’re all alone.

Questions that I’ve found find myself asking are: am I really good at what I do? Have I redeeming qualities and values? Can I hold a decent conversation with another human being without coming off as a complete idiot or condescending jerk? Am I actually a likeable human being? Am I a good father? Am I really that complete a failure at my life?

These are basic things, but so very important. How much of our identity is wrapped up in what we do? Of how others perceive us? We’re often defined by it. I’m a lawyer. That’s a good chunk of identity, or at least it used to be. If I’m not good at that, then am I a failure?

The problem is allowing others to define us. Not everybody’s going to like me. Tough. Not my problem anymore. Don’t like the way I talk? Sorry. Don’t like the way I do things? Your problem, not mine.

God created me the way I am, and he darn sure has a use for me. Just as I am, thank you very much. I can simply do what I can, and the rest is not in my power.

I’ll let God worry about it. A minute spent on worrying is a minute that changed nothing, and I’ll never get back. I WILL survive this, and there’s better things on the horizon. I don’t think God wants anybody to be miserable. I’ll just simply lay it at his feet, and he’ll sort it out as he sees fit.

I’m just thankful to be here, to be a father to a wonderful little boy, thankful to have the mind that I do, the heart that I do, and the personality that I do. I’ll let God do with that what he wills.

So this is painful, but it’s training for something better. It’s not for me to decide how this whole thing is going to come out. It is up to me to be open to God’s plan, and to go with it. I should be his to command.

Couldn't Have Said It Better.....

I blatantly stole this from Dr. Laura. The book the guy mentions is absolutely great, if you haven't read it. I think every bride should read it, and be prepared to live by it. Every prosepctive husband should read it, and seriously ask themeselves whether or not they believe their bride will live by it. For your reading pleasure:

"Two months ago, I left my wife and children and moved into a condo about a mile from our home. This morning, I was moved to write the following, just to help me vent my frustration over the treatment from my wife that led to this painful and damaging decision, called “For Years:”

For years, you behaved as if it didn’t matter whether I came or went, so I went.

For years, you were unsatisfied with the income I brought in, even though it was way more than enough to allow you to stay home with the children. Now you have less, and you get to go to work.

For years, you behaved as if my touch meant nothing to you. Now, it’s gone.

For years, you never complimented me on the household repairs I made, keeping up the lawn and garden, cleaning and organizing the garage and the hundreds of things I did to keep our home balanced and running. Now, you can do them.

For years, you complained I didn’t do enough housework. Now it’s all yours.

For years, you chose not to attend community and social events that were important to me. Now they’re not an option.

For years, you expected me to read your mind when you were hurt or upset. Never could, never will.

For years, you punished me with your silence. Now you have plenty.

For years, you would not share information about our kids’ schedules, doctor’s appointments and so on. Now some attorneys will help you polish your communication skills.

For years, I chose to love you, protect you, provide for you, confide in you, and have fun with you. Now, I don’t.

For years, you behaved as a long-suffering martyr. Now you can be one.

For years, I chose to raise your son as my own. Now, he’s hurting.

For years, you treated me as the lesser parent. Now I am.

For years, our precious young daughter has watched this debacle. What do you think she’s learned?

For years….

P.S. I bought and read “The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage” months ago, and asked my wife to read it with me. She laughed.”

(Signed)

Still My Kids’ Dad
in Southern California"

A Small Ray of Sunshine.....

So I got somewhat of a boost today. It’s small, it’s petty, but I take what I can get these days as far as getting the ego stoked a bit.

I was dealing with some witnesses for a hearing. One case gets sent on its way to the proper authorities at a different office.

Later, the receptionist tells me something to the effect of:

“Hey. They called from the other office. There’s a witness over there that said they talked to somebody over here, but couldn’t remember the name of the guy they dealt with. It had to be you.”

It was. I was trying to figure out how they ID’d me, though.

Me: “Oh yeah. How’d you know it was me?”

Receptionist: “They said it was a real good looking guy in his mid-20's. Nobody else around here fits that description.”

Flattery will get you everywhere.

The Criminal Mind Revisited

Some time ago, I wondered about the criminal mind. Hellinahandbasket postulated that criminals live strictly in the moment, with no thought as to the ramifications of their actions.

I’d have to say that I agree with that theory, but I have a new one. Whether my new theory below is part of it, or something else entirely, I’ll leave it up to the reader to sort out for themselves.

Now that I’m in the business of prosecuting, I’ve observed the following: 98% of the crimes we prosecute are drug-related in some form or fashion. That might actually be on the low side, now that I think about it.

You’ve got your criminals that possess drugs. They have some sort of drugs for their own use, or to sell it. Then you have the peripheral crimes and criminals. They kill, rob, burgle, and steal to fund their drug habits. They forge checks to buy drugs, and false ID’s to verify their forged checks. Their impulse control and inhibitions are nil, so they lose their tempers and kill somebody over a soft drink, a beer, a perceived slight, or because they think somebody’s coming after their drugs or territory.

Legalization is a fallacy. An addict’s going to do whatever they can for the next fix. Making the stuff available to them like beer is going to do nothing but force them to steal, kill, rob, burgle, etc. They still have to afford it. The mind-melting properties of this stuff make these people unable to function in society, period. You’d simply create another legal industry that would in no way, shape, or form cut down on all the peripheral crimes that go along with it.

Think about it. Legal drinking hasn’t cut down on DWI’s any.

One Day....

One day, food will start tasting better again.

One day, I’ll not have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, knowing that I’m going to have to go home at the end of the day to a person who doesn’t seem to really like me, nor respect me.

One day, I’ll be able to sleep a night through, without waking up with my heart racing, my mind going over the million worst-case scenarios that leap out of the shadows of my subconscious when I try and rest.

One day, I’ll quit thinking about all the missed opportunities, the years lost, and the mistakes I’ve made.

One day I’ll not shut my office door to keep my coworkers from seeing my red eyes.

One day I’ll lose the feeling that I’m a dismal failure at my career and family life.

Sometimes hope is all we’ve got.

My Life Is On Fire

They say the hottest fires forge the best steel. But fire also pretty much devours anything that it touches that isn't steel.

I am not a man of steel.

I haven't posted anything in quite awhile. There's reasons for that, mostly because I no longer have internet at home, and I have to post after-hours at work. That's the main thing. Also, it appears the muse has left me. I haven't been able to produce anything that even closely resembles creative thought in about 9 months, at last count. It's just not in me.

The reason, I suppose, is a good bit of depression. I think I can safely say that I'm at the lowest point that I've been in my life. Even back when I was dealing with an alcoholic parent, life always had the promise of something more, something better. It just doesn't seem thataway these days. Life seems pretty bleak.

To being with, my mom's dying. She's in the last stages of lung cancer. Simply put: this sucks. Those of you out there that have lost a parent know what I'm dealing with. Those that haven't, treasure your time with them. You have no idea how precious that time really is.

So that's bad.

To make matters worse, I'm pretty sure that I have a troubled marriage. I'm not going into a whole lot of detail. This is cathartic, but geez, I don't want everybody to know all my business.

Having done a whole lot of family law, I can understand some divorces. Where a spouse is cheating, beating the other one, etc. I get that. No problems. But where one spouse decides they just don't like you anymore, and treat you like total crap, that I don't get. I don't understand where it went wrong. I don't understand what I did wrong, other than to fall in love with somebody. I guess you can't make somebody love you, no matter what you think or feel.

I know I'm not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. But I know where I'm lacking, and I'm working to make up those deficiencies. But it doesn't seem to be enough. In other words, this is out of my hands, and I don't like that one tiny bit. I'm going to keep working on being a better person.

If nothing else, I've gotten the most wonderful little baby out of the deal that you could possibly imagine. I'd like to have a passel more of them, some day. Doesn't look like that's going to happen, either.

Anyway, that's really bad.

Then I get to thinking about how possibly God's pretty much washed his hands of me. There's nothing I can do about all of this, so I give it to God. The problem is, he doesn't seem to be really doing much with the problems, either. My studies and faith would indicate otherwise, but it's hard to feel loved by God when your entire world is collapsing around your ears. If he loves me, this is a darn funny way of showing it.

I can see where people lose their faith. I'd be lying if I said that mine hasn't been weakened a bit. It seems like all the prayers are unanswered. That all the hopes and dreams are being crushed. Do the sins of the father have to visit the son?

So that's really, really bad. I don't doubt that God's there. I can even convince myself that he's going to get me through this mess, sometimes. But I think he's letting this happen for some reason, and that I can't understand.

Fire is the great destroyer. But it also burns away imperfections. Fields blossom after being scorched.

I guess the catch is to see whether or not I'm destroyed, or renewed by the fire. Maybe something better is going to arise from these ashes, like a phoenix. Surviving the inferno is going to be the trick.