"To Sleep, Perchance to Dream.."

Since I've started back up on my blog, I haven't posted as much. I'm simply sleeping more. This is not a bad thing.

I've pretty much been a lifelong insomniac. The wee hours have always been the best time of day for me. I'm awake, the rest of the world is dark and still, and I'm alone with my thoughts. In the last 15 or so years, this is not such a good thing.

I've always been somewhat of a worrier. All those worries and anxieties really hit hard in the middle of the night, when I have time to think about them all. That really kept me up later at night than anything else: constant worry.

In the last year or so, I've just found myself sleeping more. Part of it is that I'm getting a bit older now. There are a ton of cliches about what happens to your body as you get older. A whole lot of them tend to be true.

Another part of it is that worry, guilt, and sorrow have become much less of a factor in my life than they were before. I cna actually sleep with a clearer conscience than I ever have before. No school to worry about, no trouble with the significant other, no real family issues, no work issues worth worrying about, etc.

So how did I jettision this burden from my conscience? First, a realization that I'm not really the one in charge of everything. I lived most of my life thinking that I ran the show. I got through school, I dealt with this problem or that one, I, I, I.... I went through life thinking that simply through my force of will could I make things happen. Whatever the problem, whatever I wanted, I could do it if I wanted it bad enough.

Looking back on it, I see that was pretty arrogant of me. I needed a bit of humbling. Well, a lot, actually. The more I tried to assert control, the more it slipped away. Whether it was school, work, relationships, whatever; I couldn't make it work. Despite all the valiant effort I put into it, things spiralled more and more out of control.

The more things got out of control, the worse I felt. Relationships crashed and burned. Jobs didn't go as they should have. Things just got worse. Along with all that came a tremendous load of guilt. I felt that all these things were my fault. If I had tried harder, I could have saved the situation. I treated this person badly, etc. This stuff kept me up at night.

It also served to poison whatever else I was doing. Guilt and grief are powerful toxins, and they will ruin a life completely, if they get in control. And so they do.

Sometimes you have to be in the right frame of mind in order to realize when you are being taught something. Much like an alcoholic, you have to hit rock bottom. I did. Once I did, I realized that I just am not strong enough to handle all of this stuff. The pressure seems unbearable, and life seems like it's falling apart. Despite my best efforts, life was out of control. So what did I learn?

God allows this kind of thing to happen, and there's a reason for it. I finally realized that I am not capable of handling these burdens of life. I am not able to carry the weight of all the guilt, shame and grief. I can't handle the desperation. I had to be humbled a bit. "The world weighs on my shoulders, but what am I to do?"

Fortunately, I don't have to do much of anything. But I learned a few things. The first thing is that I can't run this ship. Second, God is in control, not me. His will plays out, despite my best efforts to the contrary.

The third big realization is that God absolutely loves us, like a parent loves their child. Even if the child does some pretty awful things, the parent still loves them. Jeffery Dahmer had a mother, and she still loved him despite his peculiar culinary habits. Except God's love is apparently even deeper than that. There's NOTHING that I could do to push him away. No matter how guilty I felt, no matter how bad I tore myself up over wrong turns I made, God still loved, and loves, me. That's pretty powerful. So how much does he love me? Enough to make himself mortal, take all of my sins and trangressions, and pay the ultimate price for them. Not only for me, but everybody.

Along with that unconditional love comes the fourth big realization: forgiveness. All that stuff is water under the bridge, as far as God's concerned. It's like it never happened.

The fifth big realization is that God wants a relationship with me. I can't alienate him. He's forgiven whatever transgressions that I've made. He knows I can't handle all of this stuff. So he's willing to step in, and take it all from me. All he asks is that I ask. All he asks is that I surrender the burden, let him into my life, and listen to what he has to say.

This doesn't mean the problems magically disappear. Life still is going to kick the tar out of me, or at least try. All it means is that God will get me through it. He won't abandon me. He'll provide the guidance and strength, just like he's been doing all along. He doesn't want us to suffer through the bad stuff the world throws at us. He'll guide us, but we have to surrender to his guidance. That's the tough part for me.

Sounds pretty farfetched, doesn't it? I can't argue with the results, though. I can sleep at night, probably for the first time ever in my life. My writing's suffering a bit, unfortunately. All in all though, it's not a bad trade.